Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
