Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
