Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
