Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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