Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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