GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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