The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
