whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
