im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
