dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
