My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
