I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
