i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
