I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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