so let's talk penis.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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