He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
