I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
