the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
