The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
