Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
