He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
