Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
