I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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