I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
