my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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