I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
