i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
