Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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