So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize