my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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