some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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