my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
