I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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