I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
