he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
