my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
