made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
