Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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