You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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