I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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