I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
