The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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