my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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