apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Found your dick twin last night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize