Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
