i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
