you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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