i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
