proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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