You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
