my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Is it because I queefed?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
