I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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