So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The best revenge is premature balding
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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