i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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