I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
