we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
