We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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