so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
