i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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